


hate me

by ZenyaTsuki



Category: Bleach
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-23
Updated: 2012-04-23
Packaged: 2017-11-04 05:06:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/390081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZenyaTsuki/pseuds/ZenyaTsuki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ikkaku has lost the most valuable person in his life, and he's dealing awfully.</p>
            </blockquote>





	hate me

_i have to block out thoughts of you so i don’t lose my head,  
_ _they crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my head  
_ _dropping little reels of tape, to remind me that i’m alone  
_ _playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home_

_   
_ The bottle of sake fell to the carpet, not even a drop able to fall from its lips as there was nothing else. Ikkaku’s mouth still, though, was arid – parched as though he’d been walking in dry heat for hours on end. His arm hung off the side of the couch, and lazily his body lay on it. His weary eyes stared up at the ceiling as if there were something to be looking at there other than the dull shade of brown that painted it. His lips sat still, together, and his eyes seemed of the utmost solemn.   
  
“Yumichika.” He whispered, if one could call it such. His voice harshly hoarse and ragged, just as the rest of him. He’d never felt such longing for something he could not reach, such aching in his heart for a reason he almost felt was unexplainable if he could not match that ongoing name to its hurt.   
  
He never thought he could hurt so much that no physical pain he’d ever brought on himself could match.   
  
_there’s a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain,  
an ounce of peace is all i want for you, will you never call again?  
and will you never say you love me just to put it in my face?  
and will you never try to reach me, it is i who wanted space  
  
_ “Ikkaku!” Zaraki’s rough voice reverberated in Ikkaku’s ears, “Get your damn head in the game before I beat the shit out of you!” And although the Captain knew of what was hurting Ikkaku so much, he hadn’t the slightest idea how to help him. He couldn’t. He had no heart of the sort to hold someone as they cried, and Ikkaku would not cry—at least he’d never seen him do such with his own eyes.    
  
Ikkaku held tightly his Zanpakutou in his hands, so tightly that his knuckles bleached, and his eyes followed the sky to his Captain’s stern voice and stare. He cleared his throat as if to speak, but he only nodded before jumping forward, towards the Hollow that looked to him without emotion.  
  
He looked to the beast similarly. _  
_  
_hate me today, hate me tomorrow,  
hate me for all the things i didn’t do for you,  
hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow  
hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you  
  
_ He walked from the bathroom with nothing but his boxers, just fresh out of the shower – one he hadn’t taken in days and in his hand yet another bottle of sake.   
  
They seemed to decorate his home now.  
  
“Damn it,” He felt it again, the feeling as though his heart were breaking just inside his chest. He sat harshly on the edge of the bed, his hand squeezing tightly the neck of the bottle. Easily it shattered in his hands, and again he cursed although this time he shouted. He shook his hand harshly, the pieces falling out of his now bleeding palm.   
  
“Fuck,” He hardly whispered, his chest feeling as though it were constricting, and his heart again shattering as had the bottle once in his hand.   
  
He stood again, growling and baring his teeth as if in pain and he was, “Fuck!” He shouted, and with a strong hand threw everything from his desk; all of Yumichika’s things. All of the lovely smelling perfumes and lotions he’d put on for nights they had alone together, all his different combs and feathers. All the little trinkets.   
  
They all clattered to the ground and some to the wall just before.   
  
Ikkaku clutched the edge of the desk so tightly it began to break, and as he heard it crack he fell to his knees. His hands slid down the even surface, the smooth wood Yumichika’s gentle hands had once touched.   
  
The walls hid his tears and his pleas.   
  
_in a sick way i want to thank you for holding my head up late at night,  
while i was busy waging wars on myself you were trying to stop the fight  
you never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate,  
you made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take  
  
so i’ll drive so fucking far away that i’ll never cross your mind,  
and do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind  
  
_ All the times he’d been so happy with Yumichika haunted him now. _  
  
_

> _“Why do you stay with a heartless bastard like me, Yumichika?” Ikkaku’s words were softly spoken, and though he didn’t smile he was happiest in this way—his arm wrapped protectively around Yumichika’s thin body, keeping the beautiful man close as his head lay on his own bare chest._
> 
> _“Ikkaku…” Yumichika whispered caringly, placing a tender hand on Ikkaku’s cheek and lifting his own head to see him clearly, “If you were a heartless brute, you would not love me, would you?” He asked him, and he smiled there. The glistening shine of the moon on his raven black hair and the loving look in Yumichika’s lilac eyes took Ikkaku’s breath away then; it was not the first time he’d done such a thing._
> 
> _“No,” He replied soberly, though now he smiled too, “I guess I wouldn’t.” He lifted his head just an inch from the cool grass beneath it so that his lips could touch Yumichika’s for just a moment. Above them fireflies were glowing, lighting up their small bodies just as both their hearts seemed to be doing._

_  
  
and with a sad heart i say bye to you and wave  
kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that i had made,  
and like a baby boy I never was a man  
until i saw your blue eyes cry and i held your face in my hands  
  
and then i fell down crying “make it go away”   
just make a smile come back and shine just like it used be    
_  
And still he could hear Yumichika’s screams.  
  


> _“Ikkaku!”_
> 
> _Everybody remotely near the area heard the scream for Ikkaku, and thereafter there was a blood curdling scream of pain that caused the heart to tremble of those that did. Ikkaku’s expression unexplainable as he immediately sped as quickly as he could through the air to where Yumichika was, where he knew he was. Where he had left him, believing he’d be all right._
> 
> _He cursed beneath his breath and drew his bankai within seconds, fearing for Yumichika’s life more than his own. He’d vowed to protect him wordlessly many years before._
> 
> _“Get away from him!!” He cried, coming down on the horrifying beast that had Yumichika in its grasp—a nasty Hollow who held the gentle flower as if he were a seed in his palm he was so large. He had surprised it and cut the head from the beast’s throat in a matter of seconds—out of pure persistence to get Yumichika away from him._
> 
> _He dropped his blades and caught his lover before he could hit the ground._
> 
> _Blood came from his mouth in great amounts—Ikkaku could hardly believe the sight and he was wordless. He could only stare for the moment as he sat on his knees, and never let go of him._
> 
> _Finally he spoke, unable to reel in the silence any longer._
> 
> _“Yumichika,” He whispered, panic slowly rising in his chest, “Yumichika!”_
> 
> _The delicate Shinigami opened his eyes, gazing up at the man whom he had followed just behind nearly all of his life. “Ikkaku,” His voice shook and the blood in his throat choked him. His thin hand rose, shaking harshly and so slowly, he placed it behind Ikkaku’s neck and pulled him forward with little to no strength at all—Ikkaku followed the movement he knew Yumichika wanted. Needed._
> 
> _“Ikkaku,” He repeated, coughing, and although he knew blood touched Ikkaku’s robe he could not apologize for staining it. He knew that he was gradually slipping away. He lifted his head, swallowing back the blood that fought to come up and touched his blemished lips to Ikkaku’s._
> 
> _“I love you.”_

  
_hate me today, hate me tomorrow,_   
_hate me for all the things i didn’t do for you,_   
_hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow_   
_hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you_   
  


> _Yumichika practically bounced with joy, skipping to Ikkaku and wrapping his arms lovingly around his neck, kissing him though only for a second before pulling his lips away._
> 
> _“Ikkaku! You’re so wonderful, oh!” He seemed to overflow with happiness, “I love you!” His eyes were wide and innocent, childish although Yumichika could at times be so narcissistically hateful._
> 
> _“Heh, love me, eh?” Ikkaku asked, placing his hands on Yumichika’s fragile waist, pulling him closer, in for another kiss before he too pulled away within seconds, “What’s got you all happy?”_
> 
> _“You, of course,” Yumichika batted his eyelashes and stepped away from Ikkaku, slipping from him without difficulty and spinning on his heels with ease. “Whatever else?” He glanced over his shoulder at him and smiled mischievously._
> 
> _Ikkaku grinned and took a step forward, taking the invitation. “Oh really? And how did I manage that?”_
> 
> _Again Yumichika spun around; though this time he stopped facing him and smiled wider, “Just you being around,” He said and stepped towards Ikkaku, pressing himself against him and wrapped one arm around his neck, his opposite hand touching Ikkaku’s cheek, “makes me so happy.” His eyes gave way that he was serious now._
> 
> _Ikkaku chuckled and nodded, “Ah, okay,” He agreed, “You make me happy too Yumi.”_
> 
> _They_   _kissed_.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments appreciated. <3


End file.
